I think it’s safe to say, I’m the worst blogger in the world. Not only am I just totally absent from WordPress but I also have the nerve to bitch to my peers about how I wish I had an outlet. The nerve of me!
So, in the spirit of being fully cleansed from all things reaction/YouTube-wise – it’s been a few months since I posted my last reaction on my YouTube channel – I think it’s time for me to be present on here again.
I’ve been having some kind of creative mental block for how to deal with my current conundrum – Should I, or should I not, go back to YouTube at all? It’s a loaded question. And in order to actually make some decisions, excuse me while I let everything out in the open as to hopefully clear my head and my constant inner dialogue.
My YouTube channel has been a massive part of my love of Kpop for a few years now – it was started due to having no way to release this passion and obsession I found. It was a place where I could learn new groups, fangirl, discover new music and also to introduce new music to other people. I’m not a big channel but that has never been something I was going after. If anything, I just wanted to be able to voice my opinions and for someone to listen to what I had to say.
Three years later and I have met many people online who I am lucky to call my friends, who I can message whenever I want to, who share similar interests to me and who I feel like I have made a genuine connection with. I’m not one to talk about my feelings or any problematic times I have but to have a listening ear as an option means so much. And because of this – I no longer feel the need to post videos three or four times a week.
There are a few negatives to doing reaction videos but I only want to mention the main positive right now. It’s definitely not the bigger list of the two but it’s the main reason why I’m struggling to make a decision.
I want to be able to relive the feeling of hearing a song for the first time. You know that feeling of when you heard “The Truth Untold”, “Been Through” or “Lost In a Dream” for the very first time – the goosebumps, the complete transcendent feeling of being so connected to a song…. I want to be able to go back to the time when I first experienced that for some of my favourite songs. Stopping my reactions would also end my first listens which tend to be the times I experience this kind of thing the most.
(Hopefully you understand what I mean and I’m not just being a psycho for no damn reason.)
Now onto the main negative: It’s been a hard year for me. Emotionally and mentally, this year has been the absolute worst and I can’t wait until I’m in a better place than right now.
For those who don’t know, my dad passed away at the end of January this year which clearly took a toll on anything and everything in my life. And drowning in that grief almost destroyed my three year relationship. It’s been tough and I’ve had to step away from some things that stressed me out or things that were getting in the way of me dealing with myself – which unfortunately ended up being YouTube.
When my dad passed, I was off all social media for two months and throughout this year I’ve had to have breaks from all things Kpop so I could regenerate myself. And now, almost three months of being YouTube free, I’ve realised some things.
I love being able to watch an MV as soon as it’s released. I love not having to film every Saturday, and film enough reactions to drag out for a whole week before I ran out of content and had to film again. I love being able to fangirl with the rest of my friends over our favourite groups. I love listening to albums as soon as they’re released.
I’m conflicted. But I do have an idea.
I think I might stop making reactions and posting things on my reaction channel – though I will be leaving the channel and videos public. And instead of posting my reactions there, I will post everything on here. Obviously there’s not visual reactions but I will write my reactions to both MVs and albums, as well as discussion topics I’d love readers input on. I love writing things out so this seems like a more appropriate and convenient option for me right now.
What do you guys think? I am leaning more towards this option right now so let me know what you think about anything I’ve written above here.