Happy New Years to everyone, near and far. I hope 2019 is everything you want and more – happiness is attainable so whenever you feel not so great, remember that things will always get better.
While there are a lot of things I should be doing right now, I really wanted to come on here and talk through a lot of things, for my own mental health purposes but also to thank some people who made my 2018 end well. For those who aren’t too familiar with me or the way I do things, please bare with me – I’m a long-winded bitch who thinks a lot. You have been warned.
2018 has been the worst year of my entire life. A lot of things happened that I’d rather forget about but apparently that goes against nature.
In January, my dad passed away suddenly which, unfortunately yet totally understandably, set off a whole chain of events. I fell into a kind of depression that came only at nighttime as I kept reliving the last few hours of my dads life as he suffered in pain, experiencing the guilt of being a terrible daughter to him yet also trying to maintain my sanity while working a full-time job.
In this time of depression I quit smoking which, although fantastic, made me gain a lot of weight. I’m ok with the weight because I fucking love food but I have moments of hating it. I also turned into more of a hermit than before.
Halfway through the year I had my first of two meltdowns almost resulting in my relationship ending. When I needed him to support me, he wasn’t there and the fact he didn’t understand it drove me insane. I kicked him out of the house for almost a month before he came back with a new frame of mind and was able to be there for me in the way I needed. Grief can drive you to many extreme things and breaking up with George would’ve been one of the worst things that could’ve happened to me – that man is my soulmate and my best friend. Not having him there would’ve changed everything.
In September I had my second breakdown, this time in public and at work – so unprofessional and I’m embarrassed about it. This time it was in response to those I work with who have now turned from work ‘friends’ to work ‘acquaintances’. This ones a long story so I won’t get into the nitty gritty. In a nutshell – everyone was shit. They were showing up to work to hang out and did nothing more than that which ended up in me having to pick up the slack. Being surrounded by such shitty people made me moody, unapproachable and people avoided. My best friend at work didn’t talk to me for a whole week and it messed me up.
When I finally exploded, a work ‘friend’ of five years piped up with his two cents and started to self-diagnose me which, in my fragile frame of mine, made me think there was more to my sadness and anger. I went on leave for a week thinking I was depressed about my dad yet after only two days of not talking to anyone I realised I was angry at peoples inability to do their fucking job. This same ‘friend’ became really distant with me after I returned purely because I never told him where my head was at. He exploded at me a month and a half ago by saying : “Continue to act like you’re above everyone else, then”… I don’t know if you’ve ever been told something this before but it feels like shit.
Apparently I’d become rude and thought I was better than everyone else. Oh, he also implied that I was a shitty person. I’d been friends with him for a whole five years and expected me to just bow down and accept what he said. Even to this day, things are different between us. While I do apologise to people for my moodiness and the general “FUCK OFF” stamp I permanently have on my forehead, I refuse to accept that I’m a shitty person.
I learnt a lot about myself this year, that’s for sure. I learnt guilt is the worst thing to have, I tend to over apologise in the hopes the subject will be dropped and I need to learn to word things better. The biggest thing I learnt was that if I know I stayed true to who I am as a person and people don’t like me then that’s their problem.
I told you I was long-winded. But yeah, I had a tough year. Please don’t feel sorry or sad for me – shitty things happen in this world but no one can really be prepared for the kind of grief that comes from losing a parent. Even if I wasn’t okay right now, it would be ok. It’s ok to be sad sometimes. Actually, I cried last night as I was falling asleep purely because of how hard this year has been. There’s nothing wrong with that. Show your emotions. Be whoever you want to be. Never be afraid of life.
Now time to move onto some thank you’s…
There are a lot of people I want to thank for what they’ve been to me in 2018. Those I talk to on a regular basis, I love you. All the ladies I talk to in group chats and the ones that tag me in fun things – I LOVE YOU. I do want to single out some ladies that I have some specific things to say to though…
Emma and Dorra– I love you so both much and I miss you every day. Life gets busy, people fall out of touch but I want you to know I’ll always be here whether it’s for some fan-girling or you need to vent about something. I’m so happy you two entered in my life.
TLS POSLOSH – What happened to this gc?! Hahaha I don’t mind too much, things happen. But whenever I see y’all on my TL or we comment on each others posts I feel the love. Continue to be lovely humans, continue to shine as bright as you can and I love you all.
THE ATTACK CAT CLUB – oh dear, you’re all a fucking MESS!! Hahahaha I love you ladies so much! I wish you happiness with every fibre of my being and can’t wait until you settle on some biases!!!
Now for the cheesy stuff…I’m sorry in advanced.
Lishy – you crazy woman! I love us! I love the friendship we’ve managed to have in such a short amount of time. I know I’m not always there for you the way you are for me so I’m sorry for that but know that if you ever need to talk to someone or need some advice on things, I’m here. I hope you always stay the excited little shit-stirrer you are and I love you so much.
Vanessa – YOU, my love, make me want to be a better person. I love how, even though you haven’t been in this community for very long, you handle things with a level head and never act outside of what you believe. I want to let you know you should never be quiet about your opinions because you’re right the majority of the time. I’ve told you countless times, if you need me there – I’m there. If you need my help – I’m there. You’re one of the few people I have the most in common with so I feel like you shouldn’t be afraid of coming to me if something’s not right – when it comes to you, I won’t ever be offended. I love you.
My Sprout – oh my lil sprout…where to begin… I remember when we first started talking through the Poslosh gc and you first started to message me on Twitter and on Instagram. I remember asking Emma about you and where the hell you’d come from because you were just SO NICE!! And you still are! But then I found out how fucking young you were and I almost ended this friendship. YOU A LIL BEBS!!! We all know you say sorry a lot so it’s time for me to do a little bit of apologising… I’m sorry I’m such a handful. I’m sorry I sometimes seem short with you. I’m sorry I can’t help you more than just sending you words of encouragement. I know you’re having a hard time right now but know that you are allowed to be sad, to be in pain, to cry. I know you want to help everyone all the time but know that it’s ok to take care of yourself first, to take a breath for yourself and to cut people out of your life who only pull you down. Your never failing presence to comfort a miserable bitch like me is one of your best qualities – YOU ARE A FANTASTIC PERSON. And sometimes I feel like you forget that. I love you, Sprout.
Elle – urgh my absentee spirit animal. Where are you? Where do you always disappear to? Why do you always leave me here in this world by myself?? Just kidding, love!! You know I’m always here waiting for you to make an appearance and I wish on it every day. You are the best thing that happened in 2018 for me and I feel like I’ve made a friend for life. The fact I can message you about anything at all and there is not only zero judgement but an ever ready listening ear is so appreciated. We’ve both had some tough times this year and I’m happy we’re still friends through it all. I do wish you’d lean on me a little bit more, I’m always here for you when you need it. I love you so much my spirit animal
Ok, I’m done hahaha.
In 2019 I hope we all get to the point of being content in who we are as people. I hope we all have a clear direction of our thoughts and feelings and are never afraid to express them.
Make good choices, babies!
I love you.